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Horoscopes for
the climate apocalypse

by Patrick Lenton, art by Sylvia Zheng

The end is nigh. Judgement day is upon us. 

And let's face it: it's entirely our own fault.

Luckily, thanks to the specific alignment of certain celestial objects, we can get out ahead of the deathly firestorm and apocalyptic warlands that we're leaving behind. Here's Patrick Lenton, self-care expert and Antidote panellist, on how cosmic events can help you take on the endtimes.

Aries

If you’ve ever considered running a small band of ruthless bandits who respect only strength as a valid means of getting by, chances are you’re an Aries trying to scrape a living at the end of society.

Aries aren’t great at planning, but they are exceptionally good at getting things that they want: fuel for their insane Mad Max style battle-cars, precious beans, or perhaps a cosy underground lair.

It doesn’t matter what it is, just know they will bully a bunch of people into helping them get it.

Taurus

If you’re a small child trying to live in a hostile world of 60 degree temperatures and complete lawlessness, make sure you get yourself a Taurus to protect you.

These ride or die heroes are loyal and practical, and will probably find somewhere very sensible to hide out. They will also have the best re-hydrated bean recipes. Yummo!

Gemini

Whatever blighted, stunted forms of society remain in the wasteland that used to be Earth will definitely host a bunch of Geminis.

They’ll absolutely adapt quickly, perhaps too quickly, and make the desert oligarchies into a home. They’ll do so by lying, backstabbing, and generally being a shifty bitch. But hey! It’s the end of the world.

Cancer

They’re doing one of two things – running a small hospital to provide comfort and care to all the people dying of radiation burns, or hunting down people who wronged them, Kill Bill style.

No other options! Just remember, they’ll be crying the entire time, regardless of which one they choose.

Leo

You better believe that Leos are fucking their way through the end days, heading up some kind of cult of personality. Honestly, you wanna hate them, but you just can’t – they’re too charismatic!

They’ll be out in some desert compound, growing psychedelic cacti, doing big sexy prayers for aliens to take them away to a world that’s less on fire, and I think that’s beautiful.

Virgo

Virgos are probably living underground in a bunker, lonely and self-sufficient, until they die of old age.

If they DO decide to live in a world without adequate skincare or hot showers, you better believe they’ll be helping scientists create underwater cities, while simultaneously judging anyone who hasn’t managed to loot a cute outfit while the world burns around them.

Libra

The Librans are the first casualty in the apocalypse. Any that are left behind should be nurtured like friendly hothouse plants. If you do find one of these special babies, don’t be annoyed at how calmly they’re taking the apocalypse – they’ll happily share their stack of old tins of tuna.

Scorpio

Do the Scorpios even understand that society has been wiped out from climate change? Because sure, they’re having an emotionally dark, intensely sexual affair with some dude who may or may not run a highly weaponized militia in an old army base, but they were doing the exact same thing before the world ended, so whatever.

Scorpios were the ones who opened fire with the nukes, too.

Sagittarius

Just because it’s the end of the world, doesn’t mean we can’t still go on hikes!

The Sagittarius’s basically had a small existential crisis when they realized half their bucket list became invalid due to most of the cute islands they wanted to visit disappearing beneath the influx of melted polar ice cap surges.

However, they realized you can still take thirst pics in a bunker!

Capricorn

Hey, the apocalypse has finally given Capricorns something to properly grumble about. If you can stand having a miserable piece of shit around, they’re probably working really hard at irrigating some apples or whatever.

I’m being facetious – the Capricorns will have the BEST farms. But at what cost?

Aquarius

Aquarians are PERSONALLY OUTRAGED by the apocalypse, and will feel betrayed by anyone who decides to keep their head down and try their best in a bad situation. Aquarians will absolutely be working on some blue sky ideas, like living on the moon, or they’ll be extremely depressed.

Let’s be real – if they get to the moon, it will somehow make them even more depressed.

Pisces

Let's face it, the Pisceans have all been locked up in the wheat farms of apocalyptic warlords.


Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee.
He will appear on the Antidote panel Because Self Care.

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